Like a new haircut

Are Peanut Allergies Ruining Western Civilization?

No, not really.

Peanuts are really only good for, what I call, the three B’s: butter, brittle, and baseball (the name of my ‘Greatest Hits’ album).

The mystery behind the goober pea is not a tough nut to crack (heh). It can best be explained as a response to George Washington Carver’s extensive work with the oily nut that could.

Inventing so many uses for such a simple foodstuff caused a mass rejection from the human body. It’s really a question of bodily economics. The supply of peanut-related products far exceeds the demand (see above for the 3 B’s). The surplus that ensued created a market glut in the gullet of contemporary cuisine, leading to relative price uncertainty. A common response to uncertainty, in most in humans anyway, is aversion.

Can you think of a better way to exhibit aversion to peanuts than an allergy? Assuming your answer is, “Uh, nope,” then the human body applied the same response.

In this instance the Chicago school of economics is correct, markets work and find efficient answers. If it weren’t for the massive body-peanut market correction over the last decade or.so, kids would still be stuck eating those terrible, frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with crackers instead of bread that were a staple in elementary school diet.

Thanks again economics!

For more economics in everyday life, ask the nearest white dude wearing glasses without facial hair (he’s most likely an economist of some sort), and don’t blame me if his answer is far more boring than you could ever expect.

I like my women

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot and black.

I like my women like I like my sugar, brown and sweet

I like my women like I like my rice, white with ketchup

I like my women like I like my laundry, clean and summer breeze scented

I like my women like I like my new tennis shoes, uncomfortable and squeaky

I like my women like I like my backpack, overbearing and full of useless information

I like my women like I like my geysers, old and faithful(or every 20 minutes, either way is fine)

I like my women like I like my pine trees, tall and sappy, or cut down at their prime

I like my women like I like my poetry, short and incomprehensible

I like my women like I like my Sundays, hungover and feeling guilty

WARNING: ECONOMICS JOKE
I like my women like I like my labor supply curves, elastic and backward bending

I like my women like I like my hipsters, far enough away to mock

etc.

5 Reasons Why Michigan is Your Zombie Apocalypse Destination

While I wait to hear back from Taco Bell about my idea for a new foodstuff called the aTACOlypse, I thought I’d brief you on the top 5 reasons why Michigan is the most optimal place to survive, nay thrive during the inevitable rising of the dead. 

It should be noted, that I have also submitted this list to the State of Michigan for inclusion in their Pure Michigan advertising campaign, but have yet to hear from any of them either. (Taco Bell/Michigan conspiracy against my great ideas perhaps?)

1. LAKES!

In Michigan we have the largest source of fresh water in North America (take that Honduras!). An ocean may provide a sizable bounty of fish and coral to snack on during a zombie uprising, but the danger of being consumed by a monster-zombie-shark is something to be avoided at all costs. There are no man eating beasts featured in major motion pictures to be found in the Great Lakes, which I consider a point of pride for the inhabitants of the high-five state. BONUS: you can drink the water too. Imagine motoring out of your slip on lake Huron in a recently commandeered yacht while waving farewell to the horde of frustrated zombies (they may not show it on their bloody faces, but they are very perturbed) and taking a big gulp of that cool, salt-free water. What a moment!

2. INFRASTRUCTURE!

Having trouble getting around with those unpleasant Los Angeles traffic jams? Tired of wading through gallons of recently departed human guts in the New York subways? Come to Michigan, where well-kept highways cross thousands of miles of uninhabited forest preserves! Why not enjoy a getaway from the rat race of undead head bashing to the cozy warmth of a Native American casino’s vault? Old people make unfit zombies, so the crowd around the vault should be a breeze! Forget being cooped up in Milwaukee shopping mall, and fulfill your need to keep moving ahead of those brain munchers by canoeing down one of Michigan’s hundreds of pristine rivers. They even connect to the Atlantic Ocean if you’re in the mood to visit (or check up on the zombification of) a loved one. Infrastructure!

3. GUNZ!

We Michiganders are proud of our second amendment rights. Our very own militia can be seen chugging down a bud lite just before squeezing off a few rounds on almost any weekend in Michigan. Firearm ownership is widespread, in both urban and rural communities across the state! You’re never too far from the amount of hallow points needed to blow the chompers off that pesky zombie who keeps surprising you in the outhouse. Can’t locate the safety on that AR-15 you picked up from a fallen comrade? Simply ask on of our nation’s heroes at the nearest military base. Did you know that Abram’s Tank is manufactured right here in Michigan? Take one out for a test drive and feel the sensation of a dozen dismembered dead heads (zombie not hippie, though often confused) under the treads of that Detroit steel! Crunch!

4. WINTER!

Pop quiz: what’s the easiest way to immobilize a zombie advance? WRONG! The answer is the freezing cold temperatures of Northern Michigan. And if you didn’t have enough time to behead all zombies in a 10 mile radius during the winter months, all it takes is a brisk jog across the Mackinac Bridge where the thermometer will drop as you enter the Upper Penninsula. Spice up your visit with the Yoopers by planting land mines and explosive charges on you traverse the bridge for the best fireworks show this side of the Mississippi.

5. BRUCE CAMPBELL!

Growing tired of dull conversation with your survivor compatriots can be a major blow to moral. Never worry about it again when you meet Michigan’s own Bruce Campbell. This square-jawed cracker of wise will have you rolling on the floor as he quotes lines from his popular horror movies. Imagine stepping out with the man who played The King of Theives in the smash hit Xena: Warrior Princess to rescue your foolish tweenage daughter as he shouts, “This is my BOOMSTICK” at his helpless, undead foes. Hilarious! On top of his cunning wit, this acclaimed character actor also has previous on-the-job experience battling the Evil Dead. Rest assured that Bruce Campbell will be your greatest ally in surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Good luck in your endeavors as you fight for your life during the undead’s uprising, and remember that there will always* be a place for you in the great state of Michigan!

*except during the following events: you’ve been bitten by a zombie, you offer nothing to the group, you are needed as a distraction, or we don’t like your ‘tude.

P.S. I’ll keep you updated on the Taco Bell thing.

Why I should work for Netflix

Yes I’m a man of considerable intellect. Yes I’m getting a master’s degree in economics. Yes I have a certificate in data mining. Yes I’ve been on dates. What?

These are all prime reasons why I, D. Walter Isakson, should work for Netflix. The first three statements above appear on my resume(in bold too) but the last is the foremost reason that I would be a highly valued employee at what I call, “the reason I don’t pay charter for television.”

I first mentioned my hypothesis to my friend, radio contributoree, and former room-mate Jordan (so now I have it on e-record that I came up with it before he did). My theory is simple. Netflix should start offering a dating service along with its immense catalog of film and television programs.

First impressions are nice and all, but how one really understands a potential romantic interest is based on his or her choice in movies and TV (at least for me and any desirable lady I happen to be pursuing). Conversations that begin with, “What kind of music are you in to?” generally end up with, “Everything, except for pop, country, metal etc.” I know(care) far too little about music to gain any insight about any particular human’s preferences from this type of question. I can, on the other hand, understand exactly what type of person I am talking to when I get a response to one of the following terrible first date questions:

“Are you more of a Keynesian or do you lean toward neo-classical economics?”

“FPS, RPG, MMORPG, or LARP?”

“On a scale of one to Jack Bauer, how would you rate this scar?”

“What were the last 50 things you watched on Netflix?”

The act of asking any of these questions gives away far more information about me to my date than my date could ever give back (unless she can answer all of those questions, then my future employment at Netflix is unnecessary and I must be away on my honeymoon). Also, as an expert on ice-breakers I can not professionally condone any of the above questions on a first (or any) date.

I digress. Let me now propose a Netflix dating services (keeping in mind my aforementioned certificate in data mining, which will cement my position as Senior Dating Technology Analyst).

Netflix not only provides tens of thousands of hours of entertainment, but they also keep record of user ratings and viewing habits. When a subscriber rates or watches enough video there will be comments provided on thousands of other programs by users with similar tastes. If you gave The Big Lewbowski a 5-star rating but also watched both seasons of Party Down, Netflix will know that you’re not just a frat boy who likes bowling and cursing (like me), but you are also a lover of dry, plot driven improve comedy (like me). The comments on other content would be from people who like and watch the same things as you. Why not add a feature that would allow you to find these people and pursue extra-cinemagraphic behavior with?

“Sure,” you say,” but doesn’t our overlord Facebook allow us to show the world our interests in movies and television?” I would answer a resounding, “Naht really brah.”

With social networks like facebook (pretty sure that’s the only one now anyway), the user posts his or her preferences knowing that they will be publicly available to all viewers. This notion has a close cousin in economics called “signaling.” In other words, what you post as your interests to your facebook profile signals to all who view it what type of person you would like to be viewed as, rather than the person you are. I could, for example, proclaim on facebook that my major film interests are documentaries examining Norse culture, while I only renting movies with blue humor and frontal nudity (what I like on the tubes are plenty of farts and big boobs!).

This is exactly how Netflix can solve the problem of false signaling. I may rate The Boondock Saints with 5 stars, but If I only watch things like Cosmos with Carl Sagan, then Netflix will know where my true interests lie (falling asleep while learning about red giants and white dwarfs). By matching people based on their true interests, we can distill dating to a more efficient process.

In economics we hope that data can tell us a story, as opposed to the other way around. The same applies to a Netflix dating service. It would be far better to match people based on actual interests, rather than doctored responses. In conclusion (which I was always told was the best way to end an essay), the best way to match potential human mates is to group together those who have very similar interests in film and television by using data collected by Netflix.

You’re welcome future generations.

(A+, great conclusion and attention getter! I’m looking forward to the final draft! Love, you’re English 201 professor)

We’re Not In College Anymore

Last weekend I had the pleasure of visiting my grown up friends in both Southeast and Southwest Michigan. The thoughts I have coming away from the karaoke-bar-birthday-party and well-planned-and-executed-beerfest have more to do with my observations of the transition from the arrested development of college to the beginnings of the slow ascent toward retirement.

Wordy sentences aside, it was interesting to see relatively successful people in their late 20’s revert back to the emotional state common in American 19 year-olds. I am in a unique circumstance for this observation because I am neither 19 nor relatively successful. I’ve decided to sum up my thoughts on the difference between a standard college sophomore and a standard associate-vice-project-account-leader-coordinator in the same format as 90% of all web articles… a list of facts I made up!

3 Quick, Easy, Weird, Secret Ways to Lose 15 lbs. College Students aren’t Young Professionals!!!1!

1. The timing and nature of consuming alcoholic beverages. Students tend to start drinking early and often. This is colloquially known as “pre-gaming”, but is more closely related to the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics. Young adults begin their drinking binge far later, but tend to consume similar quantities as their younger counterparts. The result of which is that a student will only last 20 minutes at the party and end up sleeping on his(her) buddy Kyle’s(Kristal’s) couch with drawings of dicks(vaginas) on their face, while the young adult will stay at the bar for 4 hours and end up with an STD(DUI) sleeping in a motel(jail cell) with a prostitute(prostitute).
2. Emotional state of being while consuming alcoholic beverages. Each group will lose 7 to 10 years of emotional maturity during a night of heavy drinking. This means that a student will wet the bed, take naps, and constantly demand taco bell. A young adult, however, will revert to his or her level of maturity in college. In other words, the young adult will be compelled to fornicate with just about anyone/thing, spend large sums of money because they assume to earn more in the future, and constantly demand taco bell.
3. The Sunday morning following the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Young adults will rise from bed and mutter about coffee for several hours before making elaborate breakfast plans with the previous nights conspirators. Next, the young adult will assume a scratchy, nasally voice and mention several times, “I don’t want to go to work tomorrow.” Conversely, the student will remain asleep until his or her Monday afternoon class, wake up, drink gatorade, briefly consider attending class, and go back to sleep.

Follow up

The pictures in the previous two posts are from a browser based mmorpg set in outer space that I play (everyone has hobbies). In the game you colonize planets, build space ships, and battle/trade with other players. It appeals to me because of my affinity for economics, and it is very much a profits driven game (in-game, space credit profit that is).

Peeling back layers of the nerd onion that I am is not the point of this post, but rather the exchange between two of my guildmates on the message board. Generally speaking, the message board is for trash talking opposing guilds, updates on the status photo turrets, and pictures of cats followed by animated emoticons. Another dominant feature of the message board is the complete lack of any respect for the grammar of the English language. Unless some of my fellow online spacefolk are some new form of literary hipster who prefer to write uninhibited and free from oppressive punctuation, I assume they are all struggling to find work with an 8th grade education.

Usually I glance at the posts on the guild message board for any important information, then leave the page with a new commitment to send my future children to private schools. But today I was given a gift of epic proportion. My guildmates Savior and Bckdraftkiller have “stumbled” into conversation about their respective significant others. I use “stumbled” in quotes here because just before the screen capture I’ve provided our friend Savior posted something like “girlfriend just left so now i can focus.” The seemingly off-hand comment was clearly a carefully engineered attempt at baiting another guild member to comment on his girlfriend, and I have provided the evidence of its success in this and the previous post.

Both of the commentators are clearly much younger than their admitted ages, and both woefully single. One can disseminate this information from the tone of the conversation. This comment thread’s physical social interaction equivalent is when a regional sales manager asks Terry from accounts receivable what he shot at the local championship golf course over the weekend. Terry will offer a competitive score that is far better than his skill level could possibly afford. The regional sales manager cares not what Terry’s absolute score is, because he only asked the question so that he could reply with a much lower, and obviously fake, score. Each party knows that the other is bold-faced-lying of the highest order, but both make sure to hold their water cooler conversation at a level loud enough for several of their buddies on the company softball team to hear.

These two white collar warriors are hoping that their peers will fall victim to their masked and stupidly false one-up-menship much like Savior and Bckdraftkiller. These two are most likely the kid at summer camp who claimed boisterously that he had a girlfriend whom, “you wouldn’t know… she’s from Canada.” This camper would also often force her into seemingly mundane conversation like the one that follows:

“I’m going out for a minute, be right back”

“Ok baby, miss you already. Oops! I always say that to my girlfriend when she leaves. You don’t know her, she’s Canadian.”

“Sure”

Keep pretending you have adult relationships, super dorks, and I’ll keep pretending that I don’t suffer from the same social maladies as you.